Railway Humour
Like all railway enthusiasts, AJF like a good laugh. This is why we have created a Railway Humour secion. It will feature any railway related jokes and humour that we come across.
Any (clean) contributions are welcome and can be sent in by e-mail.
A locomotive's engine failed. The loco's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine.
Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing locos since he was young. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.
Two of the loco's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine roared into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed!
A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for £10,000.
"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"
So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemised bill."
The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer...... ......... ....... £2.00
Knowing where to tap.......... ......... ...... £9,998.00
Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort makes all the difference!
Three somewhat elderly gentlemen are travelling home with the London underground after spending a jolly evening at a pub. The following conversation takes place:
- Is this Wembley?
- No, it´s Thursday.
- So am I, let´s have another drink!
The old lady: - Which is the platform for the London train, please?
The young man: - Keep to the left and you will be right.
The old lady: - Don´t be impertinent, young man!
The young man: Very well then. Keep to the right and you will be left!
Funny Announcements heard on the London Underground
"Please mind the closing doors..." (The doors close...The doors reopen.) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination." "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage!" "Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..)
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors." "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions." "Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me." "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction". "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any." "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".
"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that". During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided". "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...." "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?" On a train out of Heathrow... "Hello this is xxx speaking; I am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly. RailTrack Announces National Lottery Bid Railway operator RailTrack has today announced a surprise late bid to run the national lottery. "We've been running a lottery on the rail network for years", said Ronnie Corbett, RailTrack's Chief Executive, "so this is a natural progression". Under the proposals, a player will buy a "season ticket" to make five return journeys a week at peak times. "You nominate timetabled trains for each day, and if all ten come in on time and in one piece you win the jackpot", he said, "a reserved seat in first class for the rest of your life, or a year, whichever is shorter". Corbett confirmed that RailTrack were going to be giving over a significant amount of money to good causes: ".. things like leaves on the line, floods and vandalism - These are good causes that we can blame on other people, as opposed to bad causes like dodgy track or faulty signalling, which we're in danger of being held responsible for ourselves". RailTrack is the main player in the Crashalot consortium formed for the franchise bid. Other backers include a US software giant who promise to put in new machines that make buying a ticket a lottery in itself. So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris".
Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops... On my desk I have a work station... Why is the track gauge 4' 8-1/2" wide?
The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?" I'm very tired. The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American. An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly What do model railways and women's breasts have in common? Answer: Both were intended for kids, but it's the dads who play with them.
WHY THE PULLMAN COMPANY FAILED: A traveller informed a Pullman agent that he wanted a Pullman berth.
"A difference of two dollars" replied the agent. "The lower is higher than the upper. The higher price is for the lower. If you want the lower, you'll have to go higher. We sell the upper lower than the lower. In other words, the higher the lower. Most people don't like the upper although it is lower on account of being higher. When you occupy an upper you have to get up to go to bed and get down to get up. You can have the lower if you pay higher. The upper is lower than the lower because it is higher. If you are willing to go higher, it will be lower." At this point, the customer walked away and took a cab to the airport. Two hikers were walking through Central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a near-by rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened...and heard nothing. The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened...and still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing. Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole. The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!" Man: "Well, I can see that there must be a train around here somewhere."
PULLMAN PORTER to Passenger: "Shall I brush you off, sir?" An elderly lady walked into a Toronto ticket office and asked for a ticket to New York. "Do you want to go by Buffalo?" inquired the ticket agent.
Through the centre of Czechoslovakia, there's a train speeding along. In one compartment of the train, there are four people:a beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Russian soldier, and a Czech dissident. Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding the side of his face, and the Czech dissident is grinning his face off. The old matronly woman thinks: "Now that's a fine young woman; the Russian soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!" A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slowly. Finally it creaks to a complete halt.
On a slow train a young woman passenger said to the conductor, "See here, Conductor, aren't we ever going to reach Chicago? You can see I'm far gone in pregnancy. Well, if we don't get to Chicago soon, you'll have to help deliver the baby." IRATE TRAVELLER: "What's the use of you having a time table if your rotten trains never stick to it?!" "How much is the fare to Bishop's Castle for one adult and one bicycle?" A stationman on the Underground noticed a man looking worried at the top of the escalator. Ticket Clerk... "... and a pound for the dog." Visitor: I say, my good man, why did they build this station so far from the town? Passenger - "How long will the next train be, will it run on time?" Platform announcement:
"We apologise for the 10 minute delay to all trains today. An Engineer, A Trainmaster and A Roadmaster...
An Engineer is said to be a man who knows a great deal about
very little and who goes along knowing more and more about less
and less until finally he knows practically everything about nothing.
A Trainmaster on the other hand, is a man who knows very little
about a great deal and keeps knowing less and less about more and
more until he knows practically nothing about everything.
A Roadmaster is a man who begins knowing practically everything
about everything, but ends up knowing nothing about anything, due
to his association with engineers and trainmasters. Shopping Tips for Railway Modellers??? There are better ways to deal with it rather than hiding it from your significant other. Most of our significant others are happy that their railway modeller is enjoying himself at home rather than going out. But if you feel the need, you could always try these lines. You give her a big hug and say, "Honey, you're right. I'm going to give up trains as a hobby. Instead, I'm going to"..... Hopefully, when your spouse realises all the OTHER things that you could be doing (many of which would make the two of you eligible to be guests on the 'Jerry Springer Show'), they'll be glad that you're 'just playing with toy trains'. Top 10 Reasons, Railfanning is better than Moose Hunting 10. Train lovers don't get mad at you for shooting "Thomas The Tank Engine."
OTHERS. RAILWAY CORRESPONDENCE...! Gentlemen: Dear Sir: Gentlemen: Railroad Safety A brunette was jumping across a railroad track saying "21...21...21 " a
blonde sees her and says, "that looks like fun!" So she decides to join in,
she starts jumping back and forth singing "21..21..21 " A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes the Midwest to visit a friend who
lives near a commuter line. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on and he
became fascinated by the engineering. While examining rails while standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he
hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow,
so he was fortunate to receive only a few minor internal injuries, some broken bones, and a
mess of bruises. After several weeks in the hospital recovering, he returns to his friend's house and
attends a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle
whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash
the tea kettle into an unrecognisable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes
into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good
tea kettle?" The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small." A man travelling by train asks the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria. "Sir,
we don't stop at Victoria," the collector said. "But I have to get off there!" he insisted.
"Now, then," said the superintendent to the peddler’s rear brakeman, "were you flagging your train that night?" Speed... The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He appealed to the
conductor: "Can't you go any faster than this?" A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some really good news and some bad news. "The really good news is that this not United Airlines!" A famous person was travelling on a train, and was subject to the usual ticket inspection. Well, he didn't have a ticket; and made no reservation in telling the burly inspector that his
face was his ticket! "That's OK," replied the inspector, rolling back his sleeve... "I've been given instructions to punch all tickets!"
A Surd was going by train from Delhi to Bombay. He kept getting off at every station to buy a ticket to the next station.
When the train reached Bombay, the Surd's co-passengers asked him why he kept on buying tickets instead of buying a ticket for the entire journey?
The Surd replied that his doctor had advised him against taking long journeys!
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railway, and is
told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do
if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the
same track?"
Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call
the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argues, "I'd run to the street level and use the
public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh, well," says Tom, "in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle
Leo."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash!"
"Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors.
Let's try it again. Please stand clear of the doors."
(The doors close...) "Thank you."
Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...)
This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your #### sideways"
We will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Cockfosters is 3:15pm.
The temperature in Cockfosters is approximately 15 degrees Celsius, and Cockfosters is in the same time zone as Heathrow, so there's no need to adjust your watches. I wish you a pleasant journey."
He said "Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance. When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.
"Where ya been?" he slurred.
"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"
Answer: Because it is the mean distance between the neck and ankles of damsels in distress.
"You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"
"You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....!"
"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir,
you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
"Upper or lower?" asked the agent. "What's the difference?" the customer asked.
Wife: "What makes you say that, dear?"
Man: "Because it left its tracks behind!"
PASSENGER: "No, thank you ..... I'd prefer to get off the train in the USUAL manner!"
"Certainly not!" she answered indignantly, "I want to go by TRAIN!"
The young woman is thinking: "Now that's a strange Russian soldier. He'd rather kiss that old hag than me."
The Russian soldier is thinking: "Now that's a smart Czech. He steals the kiss and I get slapped."
And the Czech dissident is thinking: "Gee I'm smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand, and get away with slapping a Russian soldier."
A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductorwalking by again.
She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"
The Conductor stared at her in horror. "But madam, you shouldn't have got on the train in this condition."
And the woman replied, "I didn't."
CONDUCTOR: "Well, sir... how would you even KNOW they were running late if it weren't for the timetable?"
"Two shillings for you. The bike goes free."
"OK take the bike - I'll walk..."
Twenty minutes later he was still there.
"What's the problem?"
"It says there, 'Dogs must be carried', and I can't find one".
Passenger... "It's only a small dog."
Ticket Clerk... "It's only a small ticket."
Local: 'Appen they wanted it near t'railway.
Clerk - "Same as usual, sir; three carriages and it will run on rails!"
Tomorrow, they will be back to normal - running 20 minutes late."
or how to get more trains when your spouse says, "You have too many!"
9. You can't use a scanner to tell when elk are getting close.
8. No arguments when two people shoot the same train at the same time.
7. No boring Moose Hunting stories.
6. Nobody cares if you use a railroad crossing sign to "sight in" your camera.
5. Three words: "Hunting License Fee".
4. RC's don't need to be field dressed.
3. Working models of elk? Yeah, right.
2. There's no limit on how many trains you're allowed to shoot.
1. Unless they're really dumb, your buddies won't mistake you for a diesel.
I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly, A Commuter
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe
you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000
years ago was by foot.
Sincerely, The Railroad
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history.
If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to
town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in
the last two years.
Your truly, A Commuter
A train comes along and the brunette jumps off the track just as the blonde
was getting splattered by the train...
The brunette jumps back on the track and starts saying "22..22..22.."
"Well, there might be one thing I can do. I might be able to get the engineer to slow down
the train a little. Then I can dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform."
"Will that work?" "It's worth a try."
As they approached the platform, the train is slowing from 50 MPH. The collector hangs
the man in mid-air out the door.The man starts running in mid-air. "Run faster! faster!" He
lowers the man and the man's feet touch the platform. His shoes start to smoke! His heel
comes off!
He's running at 30 MPH. He's made it! He starts to slow down! The other passengers stare
in amazement.
As the last car goes by, a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts the man right
back into the train! As he's helped back on the train the gent who picked him up says,
"Man you're lucky I was here to help! This train doesn't even STOP in Victoria!"
"Yes, sir," he said.
"And were you at least a half-mile from your train?" asked the super.
"Yes, sir," said the brakie.
"And did you attempt to flag the express down?" asked the super.
"Yes, sir, and they went right on past me," the brakie said.
"And did you use a red lantern?" the super asked.
"Yes, sir," the man said. "Of course."
Well, the railroad couldn’t decide who was at fault, so the investigation was closed.
"You did just what I asked you to," said the conductor of the local freight to the rear brakeman after the hearing. "You told the truth. But were you nervous at all?"
"You bet!" replied the brakeman. "I was hoping that guy wouldn’t ask me if the lantern was lit!"
"Yes," was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard."
The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we are stuck here for some time."